Let Go
Someone shared a personal story with me recently. He said his boss had given him a lower than expected appraisal grade because he had fewer teaching duties than the others in the department. He had not been satisfied since he felt that it was not his fault that the teaching duties had been reduced. His boss had wanted him to focus more on research. It wasn't fair, he had said. However, after a friend of his offered him wise counsel, he decided that he should indeed let go. His friend had said that life was such, and that if we were looking for fairness, we're going to be sorely disappointed. That got me thinking. Not about the fairness bit. That I know. Life does have its moments of unfairness. The sooner we face it, the better it'll be when we encounter the storms of perceived injustice.
I started thinking about the phrase "Let go". Five letters. Two words. Two syllables. Very powerful. Why?
The following are just a few of the scenarios that call for letting go:
1) The death of someone close
2) When one partner wants out of a relationship because of a loss of feelings
3) Not being able to have a child after years and years of trying
4) Failure to get into a university or polytechnic course of your dreams
5) Career progression disappointments
6) Not being able to find that special someone despite years and years of active searching
7) Being offended by someone
8) Elusive wealth
In 2010, a newly-wedded groom fell tragically to his death shortly after his wedding. He had apparently gone out of his room for a smoke in the stairwell near the hotel room. Little did he know, that fire-escape doors can only be opened from the outside and not from the inside. He had locked himself out. Panic-stricken, intoxicated, bare-footed and in pitch darkness, he tried desperately to find a way out. He finally found an open door leading to an electrical room. Unfortunately, this room opened to an unbarricaded ledge from which he would fall from. His bride never got over his death. She would visit the columbarium where his remains were kept every day for eight months until her suicide. She never let go. Not fiction. A real story.
At this point, I ought to clarify that letting go is not the same as giving up. That distinction is important, because I have seen people give up altogether on something because of shattered dreams. A failed relationship for example can cause someone to give up on love forever or to drink him or herself silly. No. Letting go does not mean that you give up.
I think the first aspect of letting go comes from the old adages, "Always look at the bright side of things" and "It could be a blessing in disguise". It calls for the mustering of courage, from deep within if need be, to reframe your view of the glass. Convince yourself that it is half-full and not half-empty.
Some time back, my five-year-old slipped and landed flat on her bottom. Her immediate reaction after she picked herself up? "Weee! That was fun!"
We had to terminate the services of our helper of 21 months quite abruptly some time back. Initially, it felt odd. No. 2 would ask for her now and then, and we did miss having her around. The room that had been specially constructed for her was for a long time still referred to as "Aunty's room" even though it's now used as a study. We missed her not just because she had done the housework for us, but because for 21 months she had very much been part of our household. We had all gotten so used to her living with us, that we actually felt her absence. We resisted getting a replacement for reasons that I might leave for another note.
Today, as I look back, I see it positively. No, I am not happy that she's out of the house. I do wish her the best, and hope that she keeps in touch with us. But what I do see is that the entire family has stepped up to take responsibility. My mum has started cooking again. My wife does the bulk of the housework, and even the girls are learning to take ownership of various household chores. We are doing things a family does. And it feels good because we are doing it for people whom we really care for and love. My mother has always had a helper, so it amazed me to see her step up and do the cooking. And she doesn't just cook for the sake of filling our tummies. She does it with pride, offering us new dishes from time to time. I told her that her cooking was delicious, and despite the lack of practice, it seems to taste better than I last remember it. (Maybe my appetite for good food has grown together with my size). Her reply? It's the love that goes into the cooking that may make it taste so good. Haha! I am equally amazed at the energy of my wife. She's up by 6am regardless of the time slept, and she's working non-stop, cleaning, ironing, teaching, cooking and playing with the girls. Each time, I see her tirelessly in action, I tell myself my my how much have I got in life to be thankful for.
Moreover, a savings of $500+ a month is no small amount considering the amount I pull in.
Many people find it really hard to let go after a broken relationship. I know people who have experienced it. Today, long after they have moved on, they will tell you that if that break-down hadn't happened, they would not have met their current spouses, whom they will say are the ones they were truly destined to meet. And they will also declare that important lessons they learnt from the previous relationship have helped them to become better partners than they would have been without the heart-break.
Just not too long ago, a young lady posted racist comments via her twitter account about Indians. I was hurt by these comments. Why not? I am Indian, am I not? Her comments have gone viral, and they have drawn a a rich mixture of responses. Actually, thinking about it some more now, it's not really her comments but the comments of people who have leapt to her defence, expressing support or apathy that have got my goat. They are living in their own little bubble. How do I let go? First and foremost, I tell myself that this incident has united Indians residing in Singapore- local and foreign, Tamil and Sikh, Christian, Hindu and Muslim, high SES and low SES. That's a good thing. This has happened. And we all unite and we say that these are words one should not say (actually even thoughts that one should entertain). I also remind myself that people who do post racist comments are the minority who need more friends from the other races to help them learn more about their own biases. If they feel like the majority, it's just our minds playing tricks, making them more than they really are. An article posted in the Straits Time on 29 March 2012 revealed that for a particular post relating to this issue, 15 out of the 25 respondents expressing opposition to the insensitive comments were non-Indians. That's data. I also think of specific individuals who I know differ vastly. For example, my father-in-law. He has to be one of the nicest men I know. Very helpful, gentle, friendly, welcoming and extremely humble.
One of the most painful things to experience as a student has to be failure. Not failure as an outcome of sloth. Failure despite trying so hard. Sometimes, this failure is not being able to achieve the expected grade rather than not achieving a pass. It's this type of failure that I am fairly familiar with. My way of letting go here is to process one or more the following:
1) Did I really put in as much effort as I thought I had? Maybe not, yes?
2) Did I learn something from the subject or course? Definitely. And the knowledge gained will linger long after the pain of failure has passed.
3) What can I take away from the experience? Perhaps I wasn't thorough enough with certain areas. Or perhaps I didn't grasp the concept of something well enough.
Once sense has been made, I pick myself up and look forward to the next opportunity to make amends, swearing that I will turn all adversity to my advantage. And I let go.
Another aspect of letting go, is sometimes I would say, falsely associated with escapism. This is what I term Replace. People fresh out of a disappointment say a promotion snub, sometimes pick up a new hobby to replace the time they had spent on their jobs. Many I know start to spend more time with their families, friends and people whom they had neglected in their pursuit of the next step of the corporate ladder. The essence of Replace is to keep oneself busy enough with hopefully healthy activities to prevent negative thoughts having their way.
The latest census reveals that 83% of Singaporeans above the age of 15 have a religion. I am not sure if that equates to spirituality but, I do consider myself a deeply spiritual person. I firmly believe in the creator God who knows the beginning and the end. A God who knows me infinitely better than I'll ever know myself. A God who loves me infinitely more me than I'll ever love myself.
When letting go feels impossible, I envision myself placing this thing that I need to let go of in the palms of His hands, reminding myself that never has there been a time when He did not come through for me, and yes, He will in His time work this thing out for me. In faith and trust, I let go. I let God. In time, it'll be ok. I just got to keep breathing, look forward to the next sunrise and move on...
